Or at least that’s what people tell me. My therapist in particular. I just got home from the weekly therapy sessions that I started about a month ago, my goal has been to use anti-depressants/anti-anxiety medication to help the immediate problem but then to use therapy as a long term solution.
I always thought therapy sounded kind of neat. Almost like a time to be completely self-indulgent and have someone be 100% interested in talking about nothing but you, we could spend an hour talking about how wronged I was as a teenager that my mom wouldn’t let me dye my hair pink and that’s why I have long term undecidability (that’s not a word is it?) when it comes to coloring my hair because of that painful memory. In reality, therapy is not fun. At all. I thought by now I’d be starting to get a grip on understanding why I feel the way I do but actually I feel more confused. Sometimes, like tonight, much more. Having to talk about, REALLY talk about, how you REALLY feel brings up a lot of things that I’m sure many of us would like to ignore. In fact I’m sure many people just push these things deep down inside for their entire lives. And even though sometimes I just want to go back to ignoring my depression and just going through the motions so no one, including myself, would notice I know that in order to live my life to it’s fullest potential I need to do this. I have to do this. Yes for myself but right now my biggest motivator is Sam. I want to give her a mommy that’s completely here, confident and in control, and one that truly understands herself because only then can I have the strength to really give her my best.
So yeah, I’m a bit bummed tonight and have a lot on my mind that honestly is too muddled to sort through right now, not to mention Samster is tugging on my sleeve as I’m typing this, but I just have to have faith in the decision I made to get better. I knew it wouldn’t be easy and just need to find a way to get through the not fun parts of healing. Actually blogging about it is kind of helpful, it’s still hard to know that people I know are reading something so personal but whatever, it’s the truth and it’s got to not just be my truth.