I’ve been doing a lot of thinking lately. I guess it’s just something about when life is changing. You’re going through a new adjustment period, it makes you reassess your life.
For those of you who have been around awhile you might remember several blabber posts after Samster was born. Perhaps it’s also a bit of crazy hormones & sleepless nights but whatever the reason I’ve been thinking & for some reason I want to write about it & share with you. (and the internet)
I don’t know why but lately I’m not happy with being a housewife.
Do I think being a stay at home mom is one of the hardest jobs on Earth?
Do I think that raising good, smart, happy & well-loved children is one of the greatest contributions you can give society?
But for some reason I still feel bad about being just a mom.
I’ve always had a hard time with finding my identity. In college I changed my major three times.
1st was Marine Biology. I was going to train Flipper.
Next was Criminology. I wanted to be a hardcore yet sexy District Attorney & make the world a better place. This was coincidentally the same time that Law & Order was a really good show & only took place in one city. (L.A. Edition? Really? It’s time to let it go NBC.)
Finally I settled on Telecom Journalism. I was always good at public speaking & performing & since I wasn’t gung-ho enough to pack my bags to L.A. to be an actress a news anchor seemed like a good, stable option. I was actually really good at it. Best in my class if I’m allowed to brag a bit. But I was too scared of failing, when it came time to send out our reels for job opportunities I found every excuse not to. I procrastinated until after graduation & then took a job in Marketing because “I had to pay the bills”. (That was my excuse for not pursuing what would really make me happy, I had to be responsible & realistic. Rent was due after all. But if I was honest it was just out of fear that gave up so easily)
And that brings us to today. A few marketing & PR jobs later, that I was more than happy to give up, & I’m home raising two beautiful, wonderful little girls.
I know I’m incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to stay home. I know this. Please don’t take this post as me not knowing how good I have it. It’s just that when I see people and they ask what I’m up to nowadays I feel a little bit of shame to say I’m a stay-at-home mom. Why is that?
Sometimes I think the person I’m talking to is thinking “Oh. Well, looks like she married well & took the easy way out. What a waste.” Isn’t that terrible?! But for some reason I think these crazy things.
The other day I was watching the Today show & they were doing a blurb on the cartoonist who draws “Cathy”. She was talking about how she started the cartoon by drawing little pictures of funny things in her life & sending them to her parents. She sent the collection to an editor on a whim & the comic strip was born. I actually caught myself thinking, “Aha! I could do that! I’ll draw comics of my crazy life with babies (poopsplosions would make great content) & will finally have a job I love, that I can be proud of, & that I can do while still being a stay at home mommy. Perfect!” Then I thought about how the conversation would go when I tell P that I no longer want to be a lactation consultant (job #24) & I’m going to be a cartoonist. I can see the eye rolls now. Although that’s not really fair, one thing my husband has always been is incredibly supportive of every job I’ve tried. It’s actually really sweet. He’s pretty darn awesome. But see, this is what happens, I think I’ll fail or people will think I’m silly & then I just don’t try. Ugh.
Does anyone else have a dream still of what they want to be when they grow up?
I’m 30, is it time to just accept my path & learn to appreciate it instead of wishing I had something else?
Is this all a selfish rant? I should be focusing on my kids, right?
Do I have “grass is greener” syndrome where I always think I’ll be happy if I was just doing something else or is it just that I haven’t found my passion yet & as soon as I do it will *click* & I’ll finally feel like I’m doing what I was meant to do.
Is this all just nonsensical blabber? Is that even a word?
Am I going to regret publishing this post for all to see?
Am I talking too much?
Yes. That one I know the answer to. Time to hit publish & have a glass of wine. Oh wait, it’s 2pm. I suppose a soda would be a nice treat too. And a brownie. Yum.