…head towards the beach.

The girls & I are packing our bags & heading home for a week. Florida here I come.

img via google

I was finally starting to feel better towards the end of my dad’s visit & the day after he left & I was on my own again with the kids the symptoms came flooding right back. I need help & my wonderful husband, who’s been my Superman lately, just can’t do it all. I need family. They say it takes a village right? Destination Sunshine State. Isn’t it funny how we can be grown ass women with a family of our own but when life gets crazy we still run to mommy?

I’ll miss P & my home desperatlely but I think this is our best option. I need to be back on my feet again ASAP, it’s driving me B-A-N-A-N-A-S to have so many projects on indefinite hold. I’ve stopped running, crafting, writing & most importantly being able to spend quality time with my family. I HAVE to get myself back & right now I think a week of rest by staying with family is my best bet. Who knows, maybe resting down there & having my girls more than entertained will even allow me to bust out my mom’s glue gun & make something. Anything! We’ll see…I’m just hoping for coming back feeling like myself again. I’m on Day 17 of antibiotics & feel no better but the specialist I saw this week says to wait for Week 3. Week 3 is the supposed magic number. Say a little prayer.

In the meantime how about some sugar saturated cuteness from Halloween?

Before I got sick I was going to make Sam a Dorothy costume (I was going to use the circle skirt pattern for a nice twirly blue gingham bottom half & an apron top half would’ve been so simple, obviously red glittered shoes a la this glitter shoes tutorial would’ve been a cinch) & Soph was going to be Toto. I bought this cute doggie costume off of amazon & was going to dye the whole thing dark grey & remove the collar. Oh well. It was a nice thought. As Halloween got closer & I realized my craft studio doors were staying shut I decided to improvise. Sophie was a regular puppy with some pink ribbons around the ears so people wouldn’t call her a boy & Sam was Glenda the Good Witch. Thank goodness she has a well-rounded dress up box!

She was so funny, everyone kept calling her a princess & by the end of the night she was so miffed! Anytime someone would go “Aww, what a beautiful princess!” she’d look at me with a furrowed brow & scowl, “Tell them I’m GLENDA.”

Halloween was actually a really nice memory, the girls were adorable, the air was crisp & I had my wonderful little family to walk around the neighborhood with. In the end who’s going to remember that their costumes weren’t handmade?

This sucks.

I feel like dog crap & have been wallowing a bit which really isn’t helping things. It makes me depressed to think about how much I’ve been missing out on my blog the last few weeks. I realize that may sound shallow to some people but you have to understand LPM is my outlet, it makes me feel good about myself & proud. It’s my own little “job” that I created from nothing & after 3 years it was finally starting to turn into something a little more. Keeping up a website however with 2 small children requires a pretty strict schedule. A lot of organization & dedication to fit everything in & keep it all running. I was in that groove though. And I liked it. But when you’re functioning at a maxed out pace throw in a curveball like getting sick & it all goes down in a handbasket pretty darn quick.

The fatigue is terrible, I’ve never been tired like this before. It’s the kind of tired where lifting your arms takes some psyching yourself up. I’ve been able to nap every day & still go to bed at 9.

This past Thursday I was also really struggling with the mental cloud I’d been in. I was calling people the wrong names, forgetting how to back my car up in the Whole Foods parking lot, not processing the thought to stop when the light turns red until a few seconds after it happens & inevitably running through it. It was scaring me. I went to see my primary care Dr who orginally diagnosed me with Lyme & before I was even 2 seconds into my explanation of my mental disconnect he interuppted me & explained that the bloodwork shows my Lyme is not that bad, I’ve probably only had it for a few weeks & there’s no way it could be causing neurological symptoms yet. This is a case of anxiety & I need to calm down. At this point I started to sob in his office which didn’t help my case of not just being a basketcase at all. I just knew that it was more than that & was at the end of my rope. And scared. To be written off with “anxiety” when I knew something else was wrong was heartbreaking. I called P crying after the appointment & he said, “Natasha, you go to three different stores when you want to be buy a stroller. Why would you just take one Dr’s opinion when it comes to your health?” Wow. He was so right. So I made another appointment with a different Dr. I’d never seen. I gave her the same bloodwork with the same symptom description (minus the tears) & guess what, a completely different diagnosis. She consulted with the other Dr’s in her practice & they agreed to send me to the ER for IV antibiotics & more testing.

(watching Sex & the City DVDs on my 3 yr old’s princess DVD player. Don’t judge.)

I ended up with a spinal tap (they’re lying if they tell you it’s just like an epidural & you won’t feel a thing), lots of bloodwork, a new course of antibiotics & an appointment with an infectious disease specialist who I saw today. He said from the results of all the testing he believes I’ve had Lyme since around July & would do well with extended antibiotics & some additional bloodwork this Friday since a few things were off in my lab results. He was very sweet & assured me I’d be just fine, I just needed to mentally get myself back in the game & believe that a few more weeks of medicine & I WILL FEEL BETTER.

His advice really got me thinking that I need to snap out of my funk & really try some positive thinking. Then I caught up on Ashley’s blog & really got a reality check. That poor girl is actually really sick & yet she’s so stinking positive. I should be grateful that things aren’t worse. This is a little blip, I’ll be stronger in the long run & everything does happen for a reason so I need to just keep on trucking one day at a time.

Now I just need to remind myself of that in 10 minutes when I get bummed out that I’m too tired to get out of bed.

My Dad is here for the next two days to help take care of the girls & the house & P & I are going to talk tonight about what to do after that. I definitely need some help. Maybe a trip to Florida to stay with family…I don’t know. I just need to rest & have some faith that it will be ok. That’s why I named this post “I’m feeling good”, when people ask me how I’m feeling I’m going to try & say “I’m feeling good”, maybe if I say it enough I’ll actually feel it.

Thank you all for your sweet thoughts & well wishes. Even though I haven’t responded I read every one of your comments & emails & love all the links to your friend’s blogs who also have Lyme, they’ve been so encouraging!

FAITH. FAITH. FAITH. That’s what I’m going to focus one. Er, & spelling “on”. Faith & spelling.

So turns out I have Lyme Disease. My primary care Dr. didn’t feel like my bloodwork indicated that a thyroid issue could be causing all my symptoms so he tested me for Lyme. He called last Wednesday to say it was positive. Sucks. Then we left Thursday for Los Angeles for my sister-in-law’s wedding. We just got back late last night. It was the most loving, beautiful wedding I’ve ever been to. Downside however is now I have two jet-lagged children & a house full of luggage to unpack.

But back to the Lyme…I wasn’t planning on really saying anything. It makes me uncomfortable to bring up. Like “Hey, this chicken is amazing, oh & did you know I have Lyme Disease? Yeah, you know, that sickness you get from a tick? Isn’t that AWESOME?”

In fact, I haven’t even told a lot of my friends & family because of that reason but this trip combined with my first week of antibiotics my a$$ is officially kicked. I need to take a week off the blog. I can’t even tell you how much I HATE (HATE!!) to say those words. This blog is my passion & the thought of sticking it on the back burner makes me sick (well, I guess that’s not quite accurate). But reality is I’m struggling. Lyme Disease is an evil little bugger because the symptons range from joint pain, to extreme fatigue to memory loss & confusion. I’m really dealing with the neurological effects this week.

Obviously my girls are my first job so everything after that has to get dropped for a bit so I can rest. Things are really starting to take off for LPM, this is coming at an awful time but if I keep pushing myself I’m not going to get better & everything/everyone will suffer. I need to do what’s best for my family & that’s get better. GRR! STUPID STUPID TICK!

So yeah, I really didn’t want to say anything but since you won’t see any posts for the rest of the week I thought it was best to fess up before your imginations started running away with you.

Speaking of let’s see if I can answer some of the questions about Lyme that you might have…

It’s a tick-borne illness (deer tick) & since I’m not much of an outdoorsmen I think it’s safe to assume it came from my dogs. They usually have Frontline but honestly, I don’t remember to put it on them exactly every 30 days. I’m not even sure if it protects against deer ticks anyway. 85% of people with Lyme Disease figure it because of a red, bullseye rash you get at the infection site. I never had a rash or any clue whatsoever that something had bit me. Because of my Dr’s diligence however we caught it early & after 3-4 weeks of antibiotics most people make a full recovery without any reoccurences. I just started my antibiotics 5 days ago & so far only feel worse. But then again I’m sure the ridiculously full plate we’ve had over the last week hasn’t helped.

So that’s that. Please no fussing, it’s probably not a big deal. Unfortunetely right now however it feels like a huge deal so I’m going to take a little break. I just keep telling myself it’s like using sick days. Yeah, that’s it, sick days…