*sigh* Right about now I’m guessing my girls are waiting in line for a ride on Aladdin’s magic carpet…for the 7th time in a row.
We agreed P would have Spring Break this year so he took the little princesses to their mother ship, Disney.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful that not only can Sam & Soph spend their Spring Break at their favorite place on Earth but they have a Dad who wanted & could take them there. I would have loved that when I was their age, it’s a good thing. I just miss them. A lot.
I knew this trip was coming so I had plenty of time to prepare myself. I thought about going to Florida & visiting my family, but the thought of being only 45 minutes away from my girls, and I can’t be there with them, I thought it would be too hard.
One bright spot of being in your 30’s, at least for me, is I’m getting to know myself better. I’m starting to be honest with myself about who I am & what my weaknesses are. When life gets tough I know I have tendency to hideout in my shell. Being by yourself or staying home an entire day, or even days, can be a good thing. Sometimes it’s ok to not want to talk to anyone, to just be quiet with yourself, but it can also be dangerous. Well, that might be a bit dramatic although I suppose anything in excess can be “dangerous”. Regardless I’m forcing myself to make this week count & to not let it be 7 days which I just have to get through.
The girls got a little weepy before they left & I sensed that they might even be a little worried about how hard a week apart might be on their mom. I certainly want them to enjoy this time, it’d be bad parenting to say the least if I fed into that worry & allowed an unspoken guilt trip to take away from their vacation. So instead I assured them that I was going to be super busy & it was going to be a good week for me as well. I also rattled off a few chores like “carpet shampooing” & “cleaning out the refrigerator” so they wouldn’t feel like they were missing out on anything. Of course the truth is a week apart is hard on me, what parent wouldn’t feel that way? So this week I am going to make myself do those boring grownup responsibilities like cleaning out the girls’ closets & yes, I am actually going to shampoo the carpets, (Wow, lol, I just realized how incredibly sad that sounds!) but I also thought it would be a good idea to spend some time doing a little mental house cleaning. That includes not only reflecting on this past year (I actually don’t want to do any more of that) but also seriously thinking about what I want the upcoming year to look like. What the heck am I going to do with my life now? I was really happy being a SAHM & if this divorce had never happened I would have thought I was pretty confidant of what the future might look like. I had thought about maybe having another baby, & with Sophie starting school it could have been a good time for that. I’m 35 with no real career to fall back on & two children. Wow. That was a scary thing to say out loud! I immediately had a reflex to delete that statement but then I thought, “you can’t delete that, because no matter how brutal it sounds to you, it’s the truth.” Thirty five is still the age they start considering you a high risk pregnancy right? This May I’ll be passing right on by the marker of my fertility expiration date & since I have ZERO intention on getting into a serious relationship anytime in the near future, my eggs are moving from the refrigerator to the freezer. Ugh.
I do have faith & hope that in hindsight one day I’ll understand why life took this path or at the least it will make a little sense. For today however the road ahead seems covered with fog & the only thing I can do is be willing to let God lead me in the right direction.
There is one thing I know I won’t be doing this week or anytime soon, & that’s sharing anything negative about P.
A few of you commented on social media that my last post wasn’t just telling you about an awful ordeal I had been through but that it was sad to see me ‘hit back’ with the man who isn’t just my ex, he’s my girls’ father. And you’re 100% right. Sometimes I forget how public the internet is, as stupid as that sounds. Dragging P through the mud isn’t just inappropriate because he’s their dad, it’s dragging me down as a person as well. It’s not who I want to be. Not who I want my daughters to see me as, and not how I want to be an example. Like it or not, the way we have and are handling our divorce is an example to others & while I want to be transparent, (and plan on continuing to be) I also want to be a good example. To you and to them.
SO. Where does that leave us? Well, it leads me with a list of Monday’s ‘to-do’s’ & I’m only half way through. Although I can now cross off posting this. (;